electricland

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): "Dear Dr. Brezsny: Reading your 'scopes lately has felt like finding a roll of hundred dollar bills in a heap of moldy sour cream in a garbage can; like getting a great massage from a cute underwear model in a velvet sanctuary while some jerk with a chainsaw prunes trees outside. How about serving up less paradoxical advice? I'd almost prefer getting a purely bad prediction to this maddening ambiguous stuff you've been serving up. -Scorpio Goddess"

Dear Goddess: I'm just reporting the facts, ma'am. You yourself have been like a sleek athlete trying to do what you do best while stuffing your face with doughnuts . . . like a brilliant scholar struggling to read your books in a mirror with one eye closed . . . like a spontaneous kid hoping to convince a humorless octogenarian to play tag.

I hate it when he reads my psyche like that. OK already, I GET THE MESSAGE!

...uh, at least I think I do.