electricland

I, too, want my own pet Giblets.

So last night we lost Dover, Pennsylvania - but thanks to our good friends in Topeka, Kansas, an increasingly creative interpretation of the word "intelligent" still lives on! In that spirit, Giblets is proud to present, in conjunction with the Kansas Board of Education, a bold new educational theory which will one day enlighten classrooms across the nation, from the utterly foolish to the simply gullible: Intelligent History.

Conventional "theories" of history teach that "stuff happened," which is insolent and implies that we are nothing but random accidents. But Giblets has found definitive proof that history is intelligent, and has worked over the course of millenia towards one singular purpose: the creation of Giblets! Think of everything that had to happen in order for Giblets to be born! Mom Giblets and Dad Giblets had to meet, Grampa Giblets had to flee the great turducken blight back in the Old Country, Napoleon had to destabilize the Gibletsian economy with his unsound policy of weevil regulation. Yes, the birth of Giblets is so unlikely it can only be explained as the supernatural action of a nearly-divine agent acting over the course of thousands of centuries in a way that looks exactly like a bunch of random stuff!

This ingenius new theory will revolutionize the way we see history and indeed life itself! What was the cause of the American Civil War? Giblets. Why did Bismarck publish the Ems dispatch? Because of Giblets. What caused the collapse of the Weimar Republic? Political instability and economic depression which would eventually result in Giblets.

Looking back on history it becomes obvious that there has been a mysterious plan all along, and that plan has been all about me. And to think you get the honor of learning a theory I thought up myself! Congratulations, you!

Oh, Kansas. When will you stop being silly?

In other news, it's raining. The Weather Network's site says "light rain", but it lies. I got drenched on the 2-block walk from the subway to my office.