late-night self-centered babbling

[electricland]

Dinner with large noisy party to celebrate 3 birthdays and a departure for Singapore. Great restaurant and good time, but for some reason I never quite manage to just relax and have fun with this group -- I feel the tiniest bit uncomfortable, guarded, wary, like I'm on display somehow and have to make a good impression, and given the choice they wouldn't really want me around. Which is ridiculous after 3 years, but what can you do? I mostly know them through work and/or drunken pool tournaments, neither of which are that great for heart-to-heart getting-to-know-you chats. I don't do so well in crowds anyway. I like to sit and talk quietly with one, maybe two people; which you can do, even in crowds, but what happens when the conversation runs out? If I'm comfortable it doesn't matter, another topic will be along in a minute. If I'm not, every pause feels like a conversational grave, looming at you. Which of course makes it so easy to think of something else to say...

I exaggerate -- it wasn't as painful as I'm making it sound. Conversation was a bit fitful at times but when is it not? It's just that I'm tired and and tense and getting a head cold and it's been a long and high-pressure week and I found out today that Steph is quitting... etc., etc. (And it doesn't help that I spent an hour this afternoon doing dummy narration about social anxiety disorder; I am very suggestible.) But the restaurant was excellent and I talked to lots of people I'm fond of and don't see that often and Iain and I had a long chat about memory and it was good.

So I didn't go on to the Swimming, I got a cab home (after being cruelly misled by 2, count 'em 2 metro signs that proved not to lead to the metro at all, I figured it was time) and then phoned K and griped at her without warning. Go me. Sorry, babe, there was no call for that.

Anyway, time I was in bed. Good night...

Comments

{{hugs}}

[(Anonymous)]

Ah babe, clearly SOMETHING is up. As my email said -- hope it all gets better soon. and that sucks about Steph. Let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do. Even if it is just listening to MSN rants. *OR* leaving you alone. Whatever works. Lord knows I owe you a few!

But please remember to be kind to yourself, and to stop beating yourself up. People like you, you are strong, powerful and lovely! So quit worrying Right. I know. Easier said than done!. And while you are working on that, pamper yourself. Take a nice bath. Light some candles. Eat some chocolate. Read a lovely escapist book. You deserve it!

P.

Re: {{hugs}}

[electricland.livejournal.com]

thanks! I just got all weebly there for a bit. Equilibrium is mostly restored. I need a vacation.

Oh yeah, I'm getting a vacation (that is if it's not cancelled due to SARS... yet another thing to get paranoid about). Yay!

{{hugs}} back. I appreciate it.

Fortunately Steph is not leaving for a couple months yet. But she is dealing with a lot of crap right now and that's not good either, poor girl. I think this is a good decision for her... but you think I underrate myself, you should see her! Anyway.

It's Friday! Things can't help but get better!